In the Mud

Generally, I see myself as a humble person. But maybe, when we start assessing ourselves as "so humble," that is when we jump the fence to the land of proud. Sometimes I think the Lord puts things in our path as if to say " Are you really humble?" For it me, this happened 3 weeks ago today. I got up for the day, took a shower, even blow-dried my hair, and then put on the outfit that I had spent 5-10 minutes considering (from many other options). My Kenyan son, Albert, came over and after a long conversation, we headed out for some shopping. The trouble came when we reached one of the main roads for that area, which they were working on. I am not talking about a blacktop road that was easy to pass anyhow....this was a road of dirt...that turned into mud central from the rain. In order to improve the road, they removed some of the dirt and had huge mounds on the side which made it super tricky to pass by. My son, being 17 and very agile, passed around one of these first huge mounds of dirt with a confident, "This will be no trouble. Just follow me."

I bet you can guess where this story is heading. I, being almost 30 and certifiably clumsy, tried to pass by said mound of dirt in the same manner and PLOP!!!! in the mud I went. It was not graceful, it was not pretty,    I almost took out a child on the way down, and I found myself covered in mud on one side of my body up to my knee on my leg and elbow on my arm. As I got up from the mud, I had a decision to make in the moment: would I react with anger and yell, cry, or even curse or would I take it in stride, shrug it off, and have a good laugh? (Side note: My Kenyan son was so far ahead of me at that point that he did not even know I fell down. It took him a good minute to realize i wasn't behind him and he came rushing over to my aid). By the grace of God, though, I was able to react with laughter. I was laughing so much in fact that I kind of froze in position and could not move to go clean myself up back at my friend's house. 

Albert was struggling to know how to help me and decided he would go and get some water from a small restaurant across the road (which he sort of flew over, by the way, with out mud even touching him it seemed). As I waited for him, many passed by and said "sorry" and pitied my condition. I was able to say to them "Oh, it is no trouble. It is just a bit of mud!!" I think they were really surprised. The water boy came back and I cleaned myself up, rolled up my jeans, and continued the journey to go shopping. About every 10 minutes, one of us would break out into laughter and relive the event all over again.

I think we all need to fall in the mud sometimes. I am glad that the Lord reminded me of humility through such a circumstance. He was willing to humble himself by becoming a man and then dying on a cross. How am I being called to more humility? It is easy to be proud here if I allowed myself to be. My skin alone brings me a lot of attention and elevates my "status" so to speak. Honestly, most days I forget I'm a foreigner here but very quickly after leaving the house I'm reminded that I'm different in many eyes. But through my actions and interactions, I want to humility of Christ to shine forth more than anything else...whatever that looks like and whatever lengths I am asked to go. I want to set an example. I want to set a standard that is like Jesus' standards. 

Start with One

I meet with people from Start with One ministries the other day but this blog is not about them. However, through the name of this ministry, the Lord got my attention. One of the ministries that I am serving with is at a baby home. To be honest, when the Lord first called me here, there was a bit of confusion. "How does this fit into the bigger plan, Lord?" was my first question. As I follow Him in obedience, I see that clarity is coming. And one of His answers is "start with one." This can be a struggle for me because I want to help as many disabled children and adults as I possibly can...like superhero Alysha with Jesus power (as i have mentioned in the past i'm sure). Now you might be asking, "Well, how do you know who is the "one"? I know who is the one because there is one special little lady at this home...with a physical disability...who is not a baby anymore...who is still here because of the lack of special needs/disability programs in the country. Meet Lizzy Lou.

Lizzy is a 6 year old girl with Cerebral Palsy. She was one of the first babies to enter Haven of Hope back in 2009. She has been a joy to the home ever since. She has received different therapies while at HOH and has made significant progress. She is loved well here by the aunties, visitors and by the babies in the home. Unfortunately, for Lizzy, she has seen many babies come and go from Haven of Hope while she remains. 

One of my duties during the week is to work one-on-one with Lizzy and then arranging for the staff to work with her doing special learning times and therapy times on the days I am volunteering at the school. Also, i will assist in making God-directed decisions of what Lizzy future looks like and how we can best help this amazing little girl. 

I have known Lizzy from the very beginning of the home. For years now, the Lord has put her on my heart and I've even felt led to give to her specifically over the past few years. Now, the Lord has brought me here to "start with one"....one that I've already had a connection with and a love for. I know I've only been here a few days but we are already the best of friends. I know the Lord will do much through this relationship. I don't know what the Lord has planned for Lizzy in the future but I have a feeling it will be HUGE. 

The Lord challenged me to start with one and challenge you to do the same. Often we bite off more than we can chew and end up giving up. But one intentional relationship...led by the Spirit...can make more difference than we can see with our own eyes. 

And if you remember, Pray for Lizzy! This is a time of hope for Lizzy...whether that means that she is adopted by a "forever family" or if that means that she finds another children's home where she live and grow and flourish!!

Awake

This is a blog post from my first night in Kenya, about 4 hours after I actually fell sleep. It is not a blog post that will be full of pictures and detailed stories, but a look at what was on my heart the night I arrived. Those picture-full posts will come but in the meantime, I hope this post somehow encourages you.

1/24/13
Oh, I am awake. One of the joys of jet lag. Yes, I want to be sleeping because that seems more pleasant to me in the moment but no...I am AWAKE. I think if i remain in my bed with my eyes closed that I won't have to truly wake up. My thoughts circle in my head and even though i am halfway between wakefulness and slumber, I know I must take these thoughts captive. So I pray and my soul eases a bit. I know I am to turn on the light and be in His Word. But...ahhhh...no...I am still so tired. However, I obey this nudge. The scriptures my heart is drawn to have a theme: AWAKE (or in modern day English: WAKE UP!!!!)

As soon as I think about it, my soul has been sleepy lately and not attuned to the voice of my Father (as it should be). I've been walking around with a groggy heart and it has been taking its toll. Instead of meeting each new day (and this new journey for that matter) with joy and anticipation, I have been downhearted and skeptical. Do I want to remain there? NO MORE!!

Lord, wake me up from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. Stir my heart and clothe me with joy. Give me the same attitude that you have and make my heart strong. If I rest Lord, may I find rest in You and getting away with You. Even when my physical body sleeps, I pray that it continues to be in touch with you. Lord, I am AWAKE! Help me rise up and greet the new day and be ready for all that you have in store.

The plan is revealed!

So, it has been a while since I blogged so I want to give you a very thorough update. If you look back, in May, I was really concerned about my ability to stay in Kenya once I got there. The Lord revealed to me that He would take care of the details of the visa and that I could not let that hold me back from going. The Lord is bigger than any visa problem and if He told me to go there, He would make it so I could stay there.

I went to serve at Camp Hope again this summer; this time as Head Female Counselor. I was extremely blessed working with a tremendous staff and being able to spend 2 1/2 months working non-stop within my passion of ministering to those with special needs and disabilities. If you want to learn more about Camp Hope you can visit www.cbfny.org. Although, it has been different not going to Kenya the past two summers, I would change my experience for the world. My life has been touched by those at Camp Hope, both staff and campers.

It was during camp this summer that I was asked to consider going to Guatemala for a visit. My organization, CTEN, has a number of missionaries there doing disability ministry. I reluctantly agreed because I felt the Lord was saying that I needed to go. I was reluctant because I was unfamiliar with Guatemala and I feared that if I went for two weeks, the Lord would tell me to go for longer. When I arrived, however, my fear subsided. I was able to visit so many wonderful ministries (a school for special needs, a large home for people with disabilities, village outreach, wheel chair distribution) and missionaries. The most important thing I learned from going to Guatemala was this: my passion for the special needs and disabled population is so great and strong that it does not matter which country I am in. The Lord gave me a great love for the Guatemalans I met and spent time along side. I believe that the Lord wanted me to go to show me that I can serve Him within my calling anywhere. This way, if He does call me to another country at some point, I can move forward without hesitation.

 

 



The Lord spoke to my heart and told me that He would make it clear to me where I was to go. After returning from Guatemala, I still did not see an open door for ministry in Kenya. This was a point where I needed to surrender all preconceived plans and hopes and say "Lord, where am I to go?" Honestly, I thought it was going to be Guatemala. But one night as I was driving to church, singing obnoxiously to a song from a musical, I felt like the Lord said "This is my plan, walk in it." In the next few moments, He revealed a plan that I did not even consider (which was confirmation it was from Him).

So, God willing in January, I will serve with two established ministries for a period of time. The one ministry is called His Cherished Ones and they run a baby home called Haven of Hope (a women's ministry and a ministry to teenage boys as well). This home was started and is directed by an American missionary. The purpose of serving here is to be mentored by the missionary as to how to direct and maintain a ministry but also to love on and care for the babies there. Haven of Hope has several babies with special needs as well, so I will be able to give them even more one on one attention and help than they are already getting from the wonderful staff. To learn more about this ministry, you can visit www.hischerishedones.org.

The second ministry is a Kenyan Government school and a boarding home for the mentally and physically challenged. The school is called Gilgil Special School and they have about 80 students ranging from age 6-30+. The boarding home is run by an organization called Kivuli Trust and they house and care for about 35 students when school is in session. I have visited this school before and I feel in love almost immediately. I am excited to share my gifts and abilities with them....the gifts and abilities the Lord has given me since He woke up this passion within me. I was so touched by the staff's love for the students, in a country where the stigma against those with disabilities is so strong. I am excited to come along side them and assist in all aspects of their school and home life.

I have also been communicating with another ministry and we will see what the Lord tells me in regards to my service with them. The plan is to serve with established ministries for at least two years and then, if the Lord allows, start my own ministry in Kenya or where ever the Lord leads.

I have been so blessed my missions organization, Commission to Every Nation. There is no doubt the hand of the Lord has been upon everything that happened this years. This year has had its share of struggles but I believe that, in part, Satan is super scared of what God is doing and so he is bringing on the attack. But if God is for me, than who can be against me?

I finished my job at the preschool :( so the next 1 1/2 -2 months will be used to prepare and continue to support raising. I know my Jehovah Jireh will provide for all my needs accordingly to His riches in glory.

If you would like to, you can visit www.cten.org and swing by www.cten.org/alyshaoswald.

Many blessings to you all!!

Close to Kenya, but can I stay?

Almost 6 months into the year and 6 more to go. My sights are set on the mission field with a perspective leave date of January 2013. Of course, all is not going to go smoothly along the way; I know this. Right now the struggle I face is acquiring a visa that allows me to stay in the country longer than 6 months. If i only get a tourist visa when I arrive in country, then at the end of six months I will need to leave the country and return. I know many missionaries face these issues in the countries they serve in. It is no easy task sometimes and often not a cheap task. I ask you all to pray for me as I am gathering information and moving forward. Pray for revelation about the Lord's leading and about where and how long I am to serve at a given ministry as well. Thanks :) 

(If you are a missionary in Kenya reading this blog and have any suggestions, I welcome your input! God Bless!!)

Commission to Every Nation

We are commissioned to preach the Gospel here and around the world. We are to spread the love of Jesus world-wide! Everyone's purpose is to love God and love others...this is very apparent in God's word. However, He assigns as different tasks as we walk through this life that enable us to reach others with Truth. Two tasks that I feel that were specifically assigned to me from Him are to be a missionary and to work with special needs/disabled people. About 3 1/2 years ago, when the Lord confirmed these two areas of focus, He also told me that He would provide me with an organization that would help me to be a full-time missionary. The waiting was becoming hard and I had seasons of doubt. But lo and behold, the Lord again showed me that He is faithful and keeps His promises. The things He speaks to are hearts, He will make come to pass.

I happened to find Commission to Every Nation (CTEN) on the internet one afternoon as I was doing a search. It seemed at the time an accidental find, but it would turn out to be a gem..a treasure from the Lord. I e-mailed them and then spent time on the phone with the director of pastoral. I liked what I heard but I wanted to find out more. So, I e-mailed about 15 CTEN missionaries and heard very positive feedback about the organization. Also, at the same time, I had a couple close friends and my pastor check out the organization to see if they saw any red flags. It seemed to me, after all this, that this was the promised organization so I took the next step of faith, I applied.

I sent in my application and two weeks later I heard I was approved. Two more weeks later I attended an orientation in Texas with CTEN and I was so pleased with all the staff there and with the orientation in general. I had moments where I was like "Is this for real?" and "I can't believe this is happening." It was all coming together and it was totally by the Lord's hand.

The organization asks that I serve with an established ministry in the country I am going to first. I am prayerfully considering my options and know that the Lord will give me a peace about what special needs/disabilities ministry I am to serve with. Join me in praying for clarity as I move forward.

So The SKY Mission will come under Commission to Every Nation and will accomplish the calling I have received. CTEN's motto is "Helping ordinary people partner with God to accomplish the extraordinary." This is a true representation on how I feel: I am (and we are) ordinary but with Christ in me (in us), I (we) can accomplish extraordinary things. And to Him be the glory and honor forever!

Obedience

What are some reasons we obey:

1. Out of fear or to avoid negative consequences of not obeying.
2. Social obligation. For example: He is a cop so i need to listen to what he says.
3. To get some reward or compensation for following the rules.
4. Out of love and respect for the person who is making the rules and setting the guidelines.

I would say these are the 4 big reasons we are obedient. I would say often you and I jump back and forth between the first 3 listed more often than we successfully achieve #4. In fact, the reason I am writing this blog tonight is because my realization of how I lately, in one area of my life in particular, have been obedient to God and looking for the reward instead of being obedient out of a complete and genuine love and respect for my Lord. When I say things like "Jesus, I've followed your calling and I know it would be a lonely calling but if you would just now provide for me a husband, that would be grand", which reason do you think I am obeying for?? Another way to say it would be " Lord, I've done this for you...now do what I want." Ouch...here I am in my head and heart trying to boss the maker of the Universe around.

And the thing of it is: Jesus tells us that there will be negative consequences for our disobedience out of love and respect for us. Jesus is not obligated to give us anything or do anything for us, but He does out of love and respect for us. Jesus blesses us for our obedience because of His great love and respect for us. So essentially i am serving someone who will love and respect more than any other man ever will. He ALWAYS operates for that place of love and all He does he does out of unconditional love. He has no ulterior motives, no angles He is playing, no scheme He is working out...He is pure and genuine through and through.

Lord, help me to do everything for you out of love and respect. I repent for the times where I have been obedient to you because I am Your follower but then I allowed my heart full of wants to twist the truth up and then look for my reward. I repent for feeling You were obligated to do for me because I had done something for you. Lord, make me genuine in my thoughts and acts and reasons for serving. I really do only want your will for my life and I trust in Your perfect timing in all areas of my life. Allow me to stay focused and BELIEVE!

Whimsical

Life with Jesus is such an adventure!!! But we forget :( We settle for the daily hum drum when our every day walk with Christ can be such an amazing journey. We get scheduled, we get frustrated, we get distracted, we get bored, etc. We become shells of people or corked up bottles of energy and passion. We decide to fit in and make due instead of being real about who we are in Christ. We also choose to be in control and have set times in our date books instead of being available to follow the Lord's leading at a moments notice.

A word that resonates in my heart lately is "whimsical." In life in general and in life with Christ, I want to be whimsical. I want to try things I have never tried before and go places I've never gone. I want to experience life and enjoy each moment. I also want to be whimsical in the sense where I finally know what its like to be so totally sold out for Christ that on a whim, a hunch, a nudge...i will do things in Christ's name that I've never done before and experience Christ's love and power through me in a way I never have before, to reach out to people that I've never reached out to before. I/We sometimes think that such experiences are to be saved for focused times of ministry or missions trips. But NO, every single day opportunities are given to us. Do we listen and go and do or do we ignore and check off the next thing on our to do list??

My mind and heart are certainly in adventure mode more than ever before. I am ready...waiting...wanting more of Him and less of me. Let's do this Jesus!!

Back from Camp

It's been long since i have blogged but I thought we had some catching up to do. It looks like i will have a much lighter schedule this next year in some respects, which just might warrant more time to blog. I returned from summer camp almost 2 weeks ago. It was an amazing time where I learned not only about working with those with disabilities but also about community, myself, adventure, vulnerability, etc. I almost turned down the position to work at this camp but obviously i am glad i did not.

The Lord needed to take me away from the norm to get my full attention. He blessed my obedience by providing a group of people who are excited about working with those with disabilities but also with such hearts for Africa!! I think i have at least 15 people who want to come and volunteer...haha...and I am ready to welcome them when that time comes : ) I felt encouraged and free to share. I also just adored the campers that came and they brought joy to my heart. Their personalities were big and their hearts were bigger still. I felt that I could love well and that I was loved well in return.

I will elaborate more later (because i will get better at this blogging stuff!!!). Since "life is not summer camp," i am back in PA getting my heart and mind ready for preschool to start up again. Satan has really hit me hard this week (which i was fully expecting) but "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do." (lol) I am glad i have this to time to get refreshed and refocused.

And the Answer is...........

Okay, this post is in response to the questions people ask me about The SKY Mission and what I am up to! So I will answer the "biggies" that i can think of and if you have any additional questions...post them on here or on Facebook....and i will answer them as well. In no particular order:

Are you going to Kenya this summer??
The past two summers I have gone to Kenya for 3 months. However, this summer I believe I will not be traveling to Africa. I have different options at the present time, which I will tell you about when I have a clearer idea on what July and August will look like. Preschool goes until the end of June and will start back up at the end of August, so I only i have 8 weeks at the most to play around with. As much as my heart longs to be in Kenya sooner rather than later, I believe the Lord has something different and exciting in store for me those 2 months.

When are you moving to Kenya??
I am still working on paying off my college loans. With God's help, I have been able to save half of the total loan amount in 6 months. It is my hope that by the end of the year, I will be able to clear the whole amount!!! Once I am able to do this, it will free me to go with out any financial responsibility holding me back here. I am considering if i will finish the school year out in 2012 with the kiddos and then move on with them (the majority of students we have now will be transitioning the end of next year). Still praying and seeking the Lord to see what He would have me do. I've said that I want to move to Kenya before I'm 30, and that seems like a really good possibility.

Do you have an organization you are with??
This is in the Lord's hands. I do believe it is one of the reasons God has me in America for this season. This decision is a big one and I want the Lord to make it...not me. When an option presents itself, I approach it with prayer and I know as long as I keep on surrendering the matter to Him, He will help me find the best fit for me and the SKY Mission. So, right now, the answer to this question is NO. But I see how the Lord is at work and is putting the pieces together. Also, i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was suppose to move forward independently in faith these past 2 years and that that would be part of the means to the end goal.

Do you know Swahili?
I am learning! I know enough Swahili to make children think I am fluent. I know enough Swahili to be able to piece together conversations, sermons, songs, etc. and know what people are talking or singing about. I know enough Swahili to get around and suprise Kenyans who think i am just an English speaking mzungu. Trouble is, when you start to know enough Swahili to be understood and understand others...then Kenyans switch to their tribal languages and really lose you. And with over 40 tribal languages spoken in Kenya, thanks but no thanks..i'll stick with Swahili and English thank you (well atleast for now).

Are you worried about moving to Kenya?
NO! I know that when I am in God's will, I am safer in Kenya being obedient to His will than here being disobedient. He is equipping me and will continue to equip with me with everything I need to do the work He has sent me to do. I have never felt like I would be a lone ranger in this calling, so am excited to see how the Lord will provide an individual, a team of individuals, an organization...(whatever His plan is)...to help Him and I do the work that I am meant to do.

Would you be okay if the Lord sent you somewhere else after Kenya??
This question was asked by a friend of mine in 2009, a month or so after returning from Kenya that 1st summer I went on my own. When she asked me this question, I was taken back because I had never even considered it. In my head I thought, " Of course God would not send me somewhere else, that's ridiculous." But in the year and half since then, I have been able to think about this question and I've realized that no matter where the Lord sends me, I will serve Him faithfully. So, if the Lord has me in Kenya the rest of my life...praise God...I will serve Him faithfully. If the Lord presents another need in another country and says " Go "...I will serve Him faithfully there. Heck, i didn't even think i would EVER go to Africa and EVER want to move there and He made that change of heart in me. Whatever His plan is, it is much better than mine.

Where will you live in Kenya?
I am hoping to start the home in a village area. Once a place is built or bought, I hope to be on the same compound as the ministry. While I was visiting my friend upcountry in Kenya, I came across many beautiful huts that I really did admire. I took maybe 6-10 pictures of this one hut that I really fell in love with (crazy white girl...right??) Therefore, i think a cozy hut is what I will call home, in a village area, surrounded by "my" wonderful kiddos : )

How can I be praying for you??
Pray that I continue to surrender everything to God. Pray that I remain confident and secure in His plan for me. Pray against the schemes of the devil and the ways he tries to make me ineffective. Pray for PATIENCE as I wait upon the Lord to see how all the lingering pieces will come together. Pray for an open heart that knows how He wants me to serve in the here and now.

Okay, thats all I have for now. Thanks for joining me on this journey. Any more questions?! Feel free to ask. God Bless You abundantly.

God's Will and Nothing Else!

I want God's will and nothing else. Yet still sometimes I play around and try to control things in my favor. When Jesus was in the Garden, He said "If you can, please take this cup from me. But if not, your will be done." Either way, it was up to God. When I pray sometimes, I bet it sounds more like this "If you can, please make this or that happen. But if not, then I will have to make things happen for myself." Do i know that God's will for me is best?? YES!!! Do I still sometimes struggle with my flesh for the ability to decide all the where, when, who, what, and how questions?? YES!!!

Luckily, I at a point in my walk with Christ that I can usually catch when I fall into this trap. Also, I have great brothers and sisters in Christ who keep me accountable. We have to help each other out because it is hard to remember that there is just one option....not numerous options to pick from when making our live's decisions. Our one option is: God's will and nothing else!

But, boy, do we live in a society that loves options?!? So how are we possibly able to live with a "one option mindset"? The answer is: surrender. Surrender is not an easy thing so it might need to be a one day at a time sort of thing. But when we do it and live a life of surrender, we will most certainly reap the benefits and be living life more abundantly because of it. God does not want us to die to self so we can be miserable here on Earth. Instead, He wants to use us, bless us, strengthen us, and have us fulfill the purpose for why we are here. If we keep on getting in His way, this is likely not to happen or likely not to happen in the way He willed for it to.

With surrender comes sacrifice. We sacrifice our own ways for His. We sacrifice our own wants for His. We sacrifice our decisions for His. And the results will be amazing.

I refuse to ignore the lost and forgotten

According to CNN, there are about 3 million mentally handicapped people living in the slums and villages of Kenya. Tonight and tomorrow, Kenya will be featured on CNN's World's Untold Stories. The title of the episode is "Lost and Forgotten" and all about the plight of those who are mentally ill in Kenya.

I was able to watch small clips on CNN's website and my heart and mind was taken away with thoughts of Kenya and my mentally and physically challenged friends there. Just seeing these 2-3 minute excerpts raised within me a sudden urgency to get back to Kenya and start what I am called to do. I know it is to happen in the Lord's timing...so i will wait. However, in this waiting time, my passion and love for the disabled in Kenya grows and grows.

I have been able to walk along side families with special needs and work with special needs kids here in the states. I have heard their struggles and sympathized with their difficulties. The Lord has allowed me to feel a piece of what they feel and has allowed my heart to hurt for them. But just imagine, if the struggles are great for those with challenges here in the states, imagine how those struggles can be multiplied when you live in a 3rd world country.

No one deserves to be thrown away, forgotten, mistreated, abused, neglected, hidden, etc. But this is what is happening to mentally ill and physically disabled in a lot of places throughout the world....even in America this happens. It makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me want to scream! But I know God's hand is upon them. I know God is among those who the world has tossed aside.

I've said it before but it is worth saying again..I have been completely blessed and unconditionally loved by those who are mentally and physically disabled that I am honored to call my friends.

As I think about the future and my missions work, the doubt that I can make a real difference does invade my thoughts at weak moments. But then the Lord reminds me that He did and continues to do big things through individuals who are wholly surrendered to Him. May I continue to die to my flesh and live in Christ.

In closing, I'd like to share some lyrics from a song that has caught my attention recently. The title is "I Refuse" by Josh Wilson. It says "I refuse to sit around wait for someone else to do what God called me to do myself. I could choose not to move but I refuse." And this is true in my life, I refuse to make an excuse and do nothing. I choose to move. I choose to hear the cries of the desperate and needy and make it spur me into action.

Community

We were meant to live in community. We were meant to look after each other, to share each others sorrows and joys, to know each others hearts, to live in unity. The Lord set it up that way for a reason. I believe He knew that we could not do it alone and that love, support, and encouragement were going to be an essential part to our well being and our ability to endure and fulfill the callings He has placed on each of our lives. But it seems that we often miss the mark and that our communities are not as the Lord intended.

This brings me some sadness....knowing that I desire to share my heart but I fear the outcome and knowing that others feel the same way as I do. So instead of seeking out ways to make true community happen, we close ourselves off and live with the belief that we are just being idealistic and this want of love shared and felt within a group of people is an impossibility. Therefore, we press on with this longing but feel paralyzed to do anything about it.

I guess the change needs to begin within ourselves. For instance, I might be the one who needs to set the example of what it looks like to share from my heart about what is going on in my heart. It will involve putting myself out there and putting my heart on the line because I don't know how it will be received. And to be honest, there is a whole bunch of fear that surfaces when I even think about doing this. I think of times I tried to share my heart before hoping it would be received with compassion and care and it was not. This leaves me feeling like I can only test the waters with a person or two before I can even think of diving into the pool.

I don't have a conclusion right now to my musings and I don't know what the Lord will do in me and through me to address this matter. I just know that when I've gotten glimpses of community like that or have even had short periods where I was in community like that...it was good and it was Godly.

Director of "My Life"

Peace. I am a big fan of peace. I love to live in peace with everyone..I am not one for confrontation. I like when things are peaceful...I am opposed to loud music and obnoxious noises. Above all, I love when my heart and mind are peaceful..those times where I have a calmness of spirit and assurance that everything is under control. Paul mentions this type of peace in Phillipians 4: 7, "And the peace that trancends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Isn't that the best kind of peace of all?? A peace that is so encompassing that we don't question it, we just allow it to take us over and make us over.

Thus far in my 27 years, it is not often that I've experienced this kind of peace. For much of my life, I gave in fully into the torment that worry and doubt offered my heart and mind. It seemed there was always one issue/matter or more that I was trying to figure out on my own and then would come up against a brick wall. This left me defeated and depressed. This warrior in the battle wanted to drop her sword and retreat. But trying to battle alone leads you to one conclusion: you can't battle alone.

The Lord was always holding out that peace that passes all understanding for me to take. He knew that He had big plans for me and that without that peace, my mind and heart would be attacked and vulnerable to the enemy. This time, more than any other time in my life, I've latched on to that peace and I am clinging to the Prince of Peace and let me tell you...I cannot even put into words the difference it has made in my life.

The Lord lovingly brought me face to face with my worries and doubts of the past and showed me how He was present, gave me answers, and showed me the way. This means that the details that will need to be figured out in the next couple years are in the hands of my amazing Father. Therefore, I choose to move forward with peace and excitement and see how everything turn out. I am the star actress in the play, "My Life," and even though I don't have the script for the next scene...BOY, I know it will be great!! I trust the script writer and surrender myself to His direction.

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1....Happy New Year!!

In an effort to state the obvious: another year has passed. To me, 2010 was a good year! The Lord restored my heart in January 2010 and brought me out of the fog I was in after coming back from my summer 2009 trip from Kenya. He took me down paths that I did not predict but all those paths have led me to a better and stronger place. But even though the year had been good to me, I held within me the excitement of a new year...the freshness of it all and the chance to start off right.

For me, 2011 has already brought a change of scenery. I have moved from the basement (dungeon) to the attic. I really like my new digs and I like that I will be able to see my "adopted" family more. Surprisingly enough, considering we lived in the same house...it was rare to see them. But now that we are sharing a kitchen and I'm passing through their living quarters more, this means more run-ins, times to chat, good fellowship.

I am also starting off this New Year more determined to get done all the things that have been accidently or not so accidently pushed to the side. I want to start of cross things off my list in a timely fashion and carry this on through out the year. For instance, I stopped today at the Dollar General today to get cards to send to people who should have received them long ago. This year holds the consideration of dropping 2 hours from one client so i will have one whole afternoon and evening to make sure that I do all the things that I need to and maintain my sanity. I like this prospect.

As soon as I could this New Year, I dove into the Word. I want to continue to grow as a woman in Christ. I want to see past my weaknesses and always see that the Lord is my strength. I want to be closer to Him than to anybody else or anything else.

Who knows what this new year will bring?! I know that I don't...and my guesses in year's past have been wrong. Jesus is in the business of surprising us and amazing us. Here's to a New Year and the Lord continuing the work He has started in me and each one of you.

A Good Cry

There are some times when tears come easily. People would think I am crying at nothing but what is going on in my mind and heart are known, at that moment, by myself and God. For instance yesterday, out of the blue, I started crying at a coffee house I was at (it might have gone unnoticed...with a discrete eye wipe or two). I wasn't crying at the song that was being sung but instead was crying because I was touched by a mentally handicapped person that was there. He was just taken by the music and was expressing it. Tears came first because he reminded me of my mentally handicapped friends in Kenya whom I miss so much. But tears continued because I could see how him and I were the same..we are misunderstood and long to love and be loved for who we are.

As I was thinking about crying I realized that I've always been okay with crying...feels good and sometimes after you get it out then you can get moving again. Crying, I have found though, is more excepted in our culture then in other cultures. In Kenya, to be openly emotional is to show a weakness and it is rare to see that type of emotional unless a person or family has experienced great pain or gone through a traumatic situation. I have embarassed more than one Kenyan by letting my tears flow but being emotional my whole life, its hard to stop the water works when they start. It is true we can be emotional about things that are seemingly ridiculous or we can blow things out of proportion. But other times, emotions surface because we allowing ourselves to feel as the Lord feels or allowing our God given passions to move the very heart of us.

There is a certain freedom in being able to express your emotions in whatever way works best for you. For me, when the tears come I just let them run their course and allow the Lord to speak to me through these moments. He is pulling my heart strings for a reason. When moments touch me, I try to take notice and not push it aside.

Yes, it is easier to be numb and not feel. But it is amazing when you surrender and allow God's heart to be your heart. It is good to be joyful for things that make Him joyful and be broken for the things that make Him broken. I want my heartbeat and God's heartbeat to be in sync. For me, the things that I am most passionate about are the things that make the tears well up and fall.I want things to move me deeply. I want the Lord to move me deeply. So when a good cry comes, I welcome it.

Believe

Every so often I get nervous and worried about if I have what it takes to do what the Lord has called me to do......*sigh*

I went to my young adult group last night even though all I wanted to do was be anti-social at home and watch LOST. I was just in one of those funks where I felt like nobody gets me and honestly I was just missing Kenya a bunch. But I fought it because I knew Satan was trying to knock me down and I also knew that too many episodes of LOST would really mess up my brain.

It was a wonderful discussion but I came away with one word that stuck in my heart and made all the difference. BELIEVE. What do I need to do to accomplish the works that the Lord has called me to do? BELIEVE. He will make all else fall into place.

This is the same word that is the wallpaper on my phone. I took the picture last week when I was in New York City. The word lit up on the side of Macy's just captivated me. BELIEVE. So when I start to doubt or when Satan tries to give me a whammy, I can just know that all the Lord requires of me is to BELIEVE and He will work out the details.

A Precious Harvest

I have been working with one of my client's going on three years now. We've had our ups and downs but at the end of the day I would say I would say that this little one has a special place in my heart. Sometimes I'll tell people that this girl is my best friend. It seemed that when I felt like the whole world was against me, Little Miss would know it and give me the smile or hug I would need. We developed a bond over the years.

It hasn't been all sunshine and roses though. As I was thinking of what to write on my blog, for some reason I kept being reminded of two words that, when spoken to Little Miss, would make her holler at me something fierce. These two words are: WAIT and LISTEN.

Little Miss doesn't like those words. Sometimes those words would bring her to tears. I don't think we, as a whole, like those words either. This is what the Lord tells us to do but I think we often give the same response as Little Miss does: scream our pretty/handsome little heads off. Sometimes we verbalize our frustrations but often I believe, we are screaming on the inside and trying to keep our cool on the outside. But God hears both the inside and outside screams, so we just to vocalize them like Little Miss and allow the Lord to gently quiet our hearts and trust Him more.

I thought about these words more as we looked at the book of James on Thursday night at a youth ministry I volunteer at. James 5: 7-12 talks about patience and waiting. It talks about how a farmer needs to be patient and wait for the crops to grow. A farmer can't harvest before it is time: He will end up with a lousy bunch of crops which won't be worth much and will be lacking. But if a farmer is patient, then he will have a "precious harvest." Also, the bible study leader that night touched on "establishing your heart." He gave the example of a tree with deep roots, which is compared to a person who knows God and His great love, seeks to know Him more, and who practices waiting and listening to Him. This person will be able to perservere in times of trouble and will be able to stand strong because they know who Christ is and know who they are in Christ.

Okay...so wouldn't you know that in Kenya, I have been given two names from different tribes that have been really special to me. The one I adore is: Nekesa, which means Harvester. I believe that the Lord is telling me to be the patient farmer who will have a "precious harvest" when the time is right. The second name is Moraa (More-uh), which means a tree on a hill that provides shade. I believe the Lord is telling me to dig my roots deep into the soil..to get to know Him better...to trust Him more...to listen more...and that when the time is right He will use me to be a refuge..a covering..for those who need it.

Sorry Jesus for hollering at you when you told me to WAIT and LISTEN! I have been like Little Miss so many times. Thank you for teaching me through these precious little ones and making things connect to teach me and grow me.

A Barbie and A Tiger

This weekend was a busy one! There was a Christmas Bazaar at my church where I sold things that I brought back from Kenya. I was able to raise $350 which will go towards The SKY Mission : ). It was an enjoyable time and I got to share about my African kiddos with many people who came through the bazaar to do their shopping. On Sunday, I had the blessing of speaking at two churches, one was my Nana's old church and then the other was its sister church about 15 minutes away.


But after looking at the title you might think: So what does a Barbie and a tiger have to do with the bazaar and church?


Well, the person next to me at the bazaar was selling her Barbies. She had a collection of Barbies that represented different countries around the world. She was setting up her Barbies on the table and that is when I saw her...KENYAN BARBIE!

I thought she was beautiful. I kept making her walk over to my table and look at my stuff. I talked Swahili with her. I've never been too fond of Barbies but she was different. Somebody from church saw my love for her and decided that she wanted to buy Kenyan Barbie for me. I think Kenyan Barbie will enjoy the children's home when I move to Kenya. I know its just a toy but that Barbie made my day. I will always be a kid at heart!

Now for the tiger! Don't worry...it was not a real tiger. This tiger was stuffed. At the second church I went to on Sunday, one of my old head start/IU kids was in attendance. I saw him last time I was there and was looking forward to seeing him again. This little guy was one of the first special needs kids I worked with. OH..and he sure made me work hard. He was quite a handful and often had choice words for me that were quite unpleasant. But I've been told I have special heart for the troublemakers and I guess that is true. This boy with his dark hair and dark eyes tried my patience but taught me a lot of things under fire. He will always be remembered by me.

So, like I said, he was at church. I gave my talk and then the pastor asked me to stand in the middle of the church to be prayed for. I was surrounded by the congregation with my little friend, now 7, right in the middle of the circle..closest to me. In his hands was a huge stuffed animal tiger. My friend observed that everybody was laying their hands on me to pray for me, so he took his tiger's soft paw and placed it on my hand to pray for me as well. It was precious. May not seem like a big moment to everyone reading this but it was just confirmation for me that I was on the right path. And also, I just so glad this little guy is hearing about Jesus...and that his family is as well.

So even though I am 27, two toys ended up being the highlight of my weekend!! Its the little things and often the random things that can mean a whole bunch.

Heavy Heart

It is hard not being in Kenya. It is even harder when I know I have friends that are hurting physically and emotionally there. Please pray for my friend, Eva, who has been very sick as of late. She continues to see doctors and take medicine without any relief. I wish someone could give her a straight answer on what condition she is suffering from but what she has been told has been vague. When she texts me, my heart drops. She is zapped of energy and does not see the sun through the clouds right now. If anybody knows Eva, they would know that she has a lively spirit and a joyful heart. But when I hear from her, I hear a friend who weak, exhausted, and worried. Please join together with me in prayer for Eva. May she experience a touch of the Father's hand!

Also pray for one of my Kenyan mama's. Her and her family recently experienced a great loss in their family this week. This tragedy came three weeks after my mama experienced the death of her brother in a road accident. Pray that the Lord provides for their needs and brings peace to their hearts. Her small children have been really effected and the older boy, who I am particularly close with, has not received news yet because he is away at school.

The Lord has these friends in His hands. He never promised that there would not be sickness and death, but He promised to hold us through these times. I know He is holding Eva and Monica and her family right now.