A Good Cry

There are some times when tears come easily. People would think I am crying at nothing but what is going on in my mind and heart are known, at that moment, by myself and God. For instance yesterday, out of the blue, I started crying at a coffee house I was at (it might have gone unnoticed...with a discrete eye wipe or two). I wasn't crying at the song that was being sung but instead was crying because I was touched by a mentally handicapped person that was there. He was just taken by the music and was expressing it. Tears came first because he reminded me of my mentally handicapped friends in Kenya whom I miss so much. But tears continued because I could see how him and I were the same..we are misunderstood and long to love and be loved for who we are.

As I was thinking about crying I realized that I've always been okay with crying...feels good and sometimes after you get it out then you can get moving again. Crying, I have found though, is more excepted in our culture then in other cultures. In Kenya, to be openly emotional is to show a weakness and it is rare to see that type of emotional unless a person or family has experienced great pain or gone through a traumatic situation. I have embarassed more than one Kenyan by letting my tears flow but being emotional my whole life, its hard to stop the water works when they start. It is true we can be emotional about things that are seemingly ridiculous or we can blow things out of proportion. But other times, emotions surface because we allowing ourselves to feel as the Lord feels or allowing our God given passions to move the very heart of us.

There is a certain freedom in being able to express your emotions in whatever way works best for you. For me, when the tears come I just let them run their course and allow the Lord to speak to me through these moments. He is pulling my heart strings for a reason. When moments touch me, I try to take notice and not push it aside.

Yes, it is easier to be numb and not feel. But it is amazing when you surrender and allow God's heart to be your heart. It is good to be joyful for things that make Him joyful and be broken for the things that make Him broken. I want my heartbeat and God's heartbeat to be in sync. For me, the things that I am most passionate about are the things that make the tears well up and fall.I want things to move me deeply. I want the Lord to move me deeply. So when a good cry comes, I welcome it.

Believe

Every so often I get nervous and worried about if I have what it takes to do what the Lord has called me to do......*sigh*

I went to my young adult group last night even though all I wanted to do was be anti-social at home and watch LOST. I was just in one of those funks where I felt like nobody gets me and honestly I was just missing Kenya a bunch. But I fought it because I knew Satan was trying to knock me down and I also knew that too many episodes of LOST would really mess up my brain.

It was a wonderful discussion but I came away with one word that stuck in my heart and made all the difference. BELIEVE. What do I need to do to accomplish the works that the Lord has called me to do? BELIEVE. He will make all else fall into place.

This is the same word that is the wallpaper on my phone. I took the picture last week when I was in New York City. The word lit up on the side of Macy's just captivated me. BELIEVE. So when I start to doubt or when Satan tries to give me a whammy, I can just know that all the Lord requires of me is to BELIEVE and He will work out the details.

A Precious Harvest

I have been working with one of my client's going on three years now. We've had our ups and downs but at the end of the day I would say I would say that this little one has a special place in my heart. Sometimes I'll tell people that this girl is my best friend. It seemed that when I felt like the whole world was against me, Little Miss would know it and give me the smile or hug I would need. We developed a bond over the years.

It hasn't been all sunshine and roses though. As I was thinking of what to write on my blog, for some reason I kept being reminded of two words that, when spoken to Little Miss, would make her holler at me something fierce. These two words are: WAIT and LISTEN.

Little Miss doesn't like those words. Sometimes those words would bring her to tears. I don't think we, as a whole, like those words either. This is what the Lord tells us to do but I think we often give the same response as Little Miss does: scream our pretty/handsome little heads off. Sometimes we verbalize our frustrations but often I believe, we are screaming on the inside and trying to keep our cool on the outside. But God hears both the inside and outside screams, so we just to vocalize them like Little Miss and allow the Lord to gently quiet our hearts and trust Him more.

I thought about these words more as we looked at the book of James on Thursday night at a youth ministry I volunteer at. James 5: 7-12 talks about patience and waiting. It talks about how a farmer needs to be patient and wait for the crops to grow. A farmer can't harvest before it is time: He will end up with a lousy bunch of crops which won't be worth much and will be lacking. But if a farmer is patient, then he will have a "precious harvest." Also, the bible study leader that night touched on "establishing your heart." He gave the example of a tree with deep roots, which is compared to a person who knows God and His great love, seeks to know Him more, and who practices waiting and listening to Him. This person will be able to perservere in times of trouble and will be able to stand strong because they know who Christ is and know who they are in Christ.

Okay...so wouldn't you know that in Kenya, I have been given two names from different tribes that have been really special to me. The one I adore is: Nekesa, which means Harvester. I believe that the Lord is telling me to be the patient farmer who will have a "precious harvest" when the time is right. The second name is Moraa (More-uh), which means a tree on a hill that provides shade. I believe the Lord is telling me to dig my roots deep into the soil..to get to know Him better...to trust Him more...to listen more...and that when the time is right He will use me to be a refuge..a covering..for those who need it.

Sorry Jesus for hollering at you when you told me to WAIT and LISTEN! I have been like Little Miss so many times. Thank you for teaching me through these precious little ones and making things connect to teach me and grow me.

A Barbie and A Tiger

This weekend was a busy one! There was a Christmas Bazaar at my church where I sold things that I brought back from Kenya. I was able to raise $350 which will go towards The SKY Mission : ). It was an enjoyable time and I got to share about my African kiddos with many people who came through the bazaar to do their shopping. On Sunday, I had the blessing of speaking at two churches, one was my Nana's old church and then the other was its sister church about 15 minutes away.


But after looking at the title you might think: So what does a Barbie and a tiger have to do with the bazaar and church?


Well, the person next to me at the bazaar was selling her Barbies. She had a collection of Barbies that represented different countries around the world. She was setting up her Barbies on the table and that is when I saw her...KENYAN BARBIE!

I thought she was beautiful. I kept making her walk over to my table and look at my stuff. I talked Swahili with her. I've never been too fond of Barbies but she was different. Somebody from church saw my love for her and decided that she wanted to buy Kenyan Barbie for me. I think Kenyan Barbie will enjoy the children's home when I move to Kenya. I know its just a toy but that Barbie made my day. I will always be a kid at heart!

Now for the tiger! Don't worry...it was not a real tiger. This tiger was stuffed. At the second church I went to on Sunday, one of my old head start/IU kids was in attendance. I saw him last time I was there and was looking forward to seeing him again. This little guy was one of the first special needs kids I worked with. OH..and he sure made me work hard. He was quite a handful and often had choice words for me that were quite unpleasant. But I've been told I have special heart for the troublemakers and I guess that is true. This boy with his dark hair and dark eyes tried my patience but taught me a lot of things under fire. He will always be remembered by me.

So, like I said, he was at church. I gave my talk and then the pastor asked me to stand in the middle of the church to be prayed for. I was surrounded by the congregation with my little friend, now 7, right in the middle of the circle..closest to me. In his hands was a huge stuffed animal tiger. My friend observed that everybody was laying their hands on me to pray for me, so he took his tiger's soft paw and placed it on my hand to pray for me as well. It was precious. May not seem like a big moment to everyone reading this but it was just confirmation for me that I was on the right path. And also, I just so glad this little guy is hearing about Jesus...and that his family is as well.

So even though I am 27, two toys ended up being the highlight of my weekend!! Its the little things and often the random things that can mean a whole bunch.

Heavy Heart

It is hard not being in Kenya. It is even harder when I know I have friends that are hurting physically and emotionally there. Please pray for my friend, Eva, who has been very sick as of late. She continues to see doctors and take medicine without any relief. I wish someone could give her a straight answer on what condition she is suffering from but what she has been told has been vague. When she texts me, my heart drops. She is zapped of energy and does not see the sun through the clouds right now. If anybody knows Eva, they would know that she has a lively spirit and a joyful heart. But when I hear from her, I hear a friend who weak, exhausted, and worried. Please join together with me in prayer for Eva. May she experience a touch of the Father's hand!

Also pray for one of my Kenyan mama's. Her and her family recently experienced a great loss in their family this week. This tragedy came three weeks after my mama experienced the death of her brother in a road accident. Pray that the Lord provides for their needs and brings peace to their hearts. Her small children have been really effected and the older boy, who I am particularly close with, has not received news yet because he is away at school.

The Lord has these friends in His hands. He never promised that there would not be sickness and death, but He promised to hold us through these times. I know He is holding Eva and Monica and her family right now.

Disorderly!

Okay, It is confession time. Confession #1: I believe I am the worst blogger known to man. Confession #2: Currently, I am feeling that things are very disorderly and I have a lot of catching up to do. Those two confessions really do tie together. I haven't blogged since August not because I don't have anything to say but because time gets away from me. I WILL DO BETTER! I am hoping at least once a week I can catch ya up on matters pertaining to life, Kenya, and God. Anybody out there is cyber world want to keep me accountable?? Anybody?!?!

Well, lately (meaning this week) I have been frustrated that my house, my car, my brain, my schedule, my time seems to be in a constant state of disorder. I woke up this morning and literally just sat in a stupor on my bed while I looked at the pile of laundry and thought about the dishes in the sink. After seeing the laundry and thinking about dirty dishes, a barrage of other tasks I needed to get done came at me. AHHH!!! I texted the teacher i work with and said that I needed to take a mental health day. And so I've been crossing things off my list. Funny thing about that is that once you cross some off, you think of more. Progress has been made but more have been added...so pretty much my list is the same length as I started. Time to bring in the reinforcements!!

I have to remember, I need to focus on the Lord and He will help me get things down and help me feel more at peace...sometimes I forget that He is even there with me when I am doing my dishes and laundry. He is not a God of disorder so if we just surrender our days, minds, times, hearts, etc. to Him, He is part of the clean-up crew and project assistant. SWEET! Also, I need to ask for help from others. People are willing but sometimes I am afraid to see if they could help me. Honestly, we need to help each other....friends are the Lord's provision in times of disorder.

Well, I will keep on plugging away!! But you will be hearing from me again soon!

Taking Care of God's Children

I've just returned from volunteering at a special needs school for 3 weeks. I was so blessed, humbled, and amazed. I am filled to the brim with love for these children. They each touched my heart in a special way. I saw some of the most brilliant of smiles and received some of the sweetest of hugs. They were all so genuine and real...they don't pretend...they don't put on a show. They took care of me the way they take care of each other...meaning they act immediately without thinking of the cost...they see a need and meet it. They themselves are God's children but they are also taking care of God's children. I know each will be richly rewarded for the love they show each other.

Not only do the kids take care of each other, but I was able to witness a staff of teachers and caretakers who love those children from the very bottoms of their hearts. The head teacher, in particular, knows more about those 75 children than I know about my closest friends. It was awe inspiring to see them work with the kids and interact with them. In a culture that says that a mentally challenged child is of no worth, this staff is still willing to pour all their energy and love into these children. In addition, I saw a young man who is still considered a youth in Kenya come and volunteer his time daily to support the kids and staff. He challenged me to continue to give of myself expecting nothing in return. It was a pleasure working along side these individuals...they are taking care of God's children. They too will be richly rewarded.

It has moved my heart in many ways to see how I can do more and more to help God's children. There are little things that can go a long way as they say. One thing is to not forget my time and allow those memories to spur me on. It makes me even more excited for the future special needs home and being able to take care of God's children there but I also know that there are things i can do in the here and now for this school. Pray along with me as I seek the Lord on this matter. I also pray that you seek the Lord on this matter as well because there are very feasible ways that we can help. And we too will be richly rewarded heavenward for fulfilling God's commandment to love Him and love others.

My heart hurts because there are people in these children's lives who are not taking care of them. They just went home on break and might face things that they should never have to face. Pray for the parents and guardians to take care of God's children in the way they were commissioned to do.

Take care and God Bless!! I am in Kibera (outside of Nairobi) for a week before I head to Kitale (Western Kenya) to visit an organization there for a few weeks. I look forward to sharing my experiences with you all when I return.